love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
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“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”