@bombsydoll: milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@iliezabeth: [suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight K: Its chips & salsa M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
@egg_dog: facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
@SmartassChef: Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son's lunch box
@theshamingofjay: The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.