My friend is an excellent librarian.
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Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Snapes on a plane.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Lmao the reply
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.