magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
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“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.