My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.