[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
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I can also cook 😂
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”