[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
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Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow