[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
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That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]