I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
You Might Also Like
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Perfect
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol