The answer is funnier than the question
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We have a winner.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
another case of gang violins
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.