Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
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[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?