Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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Me recordaron éste meme
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Best seat on the street 😍
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*