@Steelers1972: Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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@unravelingfire: Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
@literally_is_me: All I'm saying is Sesame Street would be a lot more entertaining if Big Bird were a velociraptor.
@iwearaonesie: "Don't put it on my plate if you don't want me to eat it!" - me to my kid, who's crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate