Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch