Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.