Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
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Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
absolute chaos
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.