Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
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I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one