MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
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Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
prepare for carbonated trouble
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me: