@juliussharpe: Million dollar idea - an app that connects you with other people eating beef jerky in their car.
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@donni: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Do you know why I stopped? *silence* *a saxophone wails in the distance*
@DurtMcHurtt: [girl I'm talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn't flexing.
@iamspacegirl: Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage Elves: no! Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light
@MrMildSauce: It's not working. I've napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.