Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”