[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
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Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful