Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Facebook memories be like
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.