Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.