@RapeyRaperton: Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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@Mellicubed: My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I'm hot when I'm naked, but come on now, let's all just calm down.
@jimmytorosian: Slave: I know a way to escape Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven't heard of it. It's really underground.
@simoncholland: Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year. Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: The police are at the front door ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?