Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
*limbos under the caution tape
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
yea so i messed up lol
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?