@tigersgoroooar: Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

@gkaluma: Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

@stenokel: Jehovah's witnesses are at my door. *Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, "Are you the keymaster?"*

@Sickayduh: No, YOU'RE a nary tract infection

@ComedicBust: I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn't die fast enough for my liking.