@Mellicubed: My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I'm hot when I'm naked, but come on now, let's all just calm down.

@jimmytorosian: Slave: I know a way to escape Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven't heard of it. It's really underground.

@simoncholland: Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year. Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.

@dafloydsta: WIFE: The police are at the front door ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

@TragicAllyHere: [Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks] Quietly, as if into earpiece: "I'm in."