Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall