Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Florida be like…
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Siri: Retweet me.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat