Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I needed a laugh this morning.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Day 2 of my diet
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…