Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
584.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people