Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great