Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
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ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Tremendous stuff
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.