[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.