I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!