Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
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I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today