@samdunsiger: Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
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@chuuew: ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken? BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
@genepompa: Can't believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
@Cravin4: Son:Dad's trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet? Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
@KyleMcDowell86: IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS *breaks glass* *a glazed honey ham pops out* "Nice nice"