Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
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When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Breaking news:
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.