[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
You Might Also Like
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
she has a point
WHY?!
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba