[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids