tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.