@Kyle_Lippert: MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
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@rockymomax: "i have good news & bad news" wife: bad news 1st "the washing machine broke" wife: and the good news? "the dogs are clean AF"
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Why do you want to be a librarian?" Me: "I like telling people to be quiet."
@shkeeber: Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich! Judge: What? M: I plead insanity. J: You're a juror. Me: Can I go? J: No. M: OBJECTION!
@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it? ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives