MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
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LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Body by cheese-puffs.