MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
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Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.