If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
You Might Also Like
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.