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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>