[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
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How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
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Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
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I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
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Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
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You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel