Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My Sentiments Exactly
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.