Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
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Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Your secret is safeish with me
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.