*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Admin smashed it 😂
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*