Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*![]()
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Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Damn he played himself
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?