Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
If only.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.