Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.