Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered