@iscoff: Mirror mirror on the floor, who's the worst at home decor?
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@Playing_Dad: [At job interview] Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
@KeithAshers: Sending everyone soggy empty boxes this year with a note - Hope you enjoy this expensive ice sculpture made in your honor. #CheapChristmas
@HeatherLuvsYou: I've never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
@KyleMcDowell86: [old couple feeding ducks in the park] "Nothing could ruin this Edna" *I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread