@noog: Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I'm not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That's just ridiculous
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@Book_Krazy: *In the elevator* Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down? Me: No. We're just friends Guy: ....
@StinkyGr33n: I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you'll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
@TheNardvark: Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga's wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that's the dress code.
@JohnLyonTweets: Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.