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@kelkulus: The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.
@ladybroseph: Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
@pleatedjeans: [Xmas morning] wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins. "dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree* me: JUST OPEN IT