Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples