“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
You Might Also Like
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I hate everything
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.