Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
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It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours